Sunday, September 11, 2016

Getting Out Of Interracial Relationships

So you can officially take interracial dating off of your bucket list. You’ve completed that task. You’ve done it and quite frankly it wasn’t all that others made it out to be. On top of the God awful stares the two of you got when you went out for a simple drink or a nice dinner, you had to endure the barrage of questions from your family that felt like a never ending full body cavity search. Your dad could consistently be counted on to overcompensate by mentioning the ethnicity of nearly every one of his nonwhite friends at his office. Your mom wore that painted on smile that screamed “who is this strange Black person and is he sleeping with my child” every time the two of you went to dinner.

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And your friends were no better. 

On top of numerous questions about “equipment” and “hunger” (I’m sure you get what I mean), you’ve had to deal with the cozying up they did whenever he came over. They may as well have painted signs that read “I’m sexually curious about you” signs on their foreheads. If they had half the courage they’d ditch the living vicariously role and jump into a situation for themselves.
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And on top of all of that, you’re not sure of why you even entered the interracial pool in the first place.

You thought you liked the guy but the more you went out with him the more you realized that the two of you didn’t really have all that much in common. He likes UFC. You pretended to like it for his benefit. You happen to be a huge Prince fan. He looks at you like an alien whenever you play your music. Your jokes are funny as heck and he barely cracks a smile. It just seems like sometimes you have so little in common that you wonder why you even dated.

And so you’ve decided to get out.

It’s not that the experience was that bad. It wasn’t. But you’ve had your fill of that experience and you just want to move to a comfortable place where you can live your life comfortably without effort.

Does this sound like you?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with whoever you want to be with. In fact, I would say that choosing a mate is the one time when you are absolutely allowed to discriminate. If the person isn’t tall enough, you don’t need to be with them. If the person’s skin is too dark or pale, you don’t need to be with them.
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You could segment as far down to the type of shoes an individual wears and nobody can say a single thing about it because who we choose to be with is completely and totally up to us.

The only thing that strikes me as a little troubling is the reverting back to normalcy part. What is that exactly and why are you doing it? Being in an interracial relationship is hard work, no doubt. You are exposed to things that the average person will not encounter. But if your experience with that individual was not what you wanted, doesn’t that say more about your decision making skills and less about the individual’s skin color? Incompatibility is not only encountered in interracial dating. It is quite normal in all of society. To harp on your pluses and negatives as the ultimate decider, should be done with a lot of caution.

But you also need to analyze what you see in the world. Quite often, different races fail to understand one another due to the exact reason you’re choosing to check mark and terminate your interracial dating experience; everyone wants their comfort and wants to remain in their private space.
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But the world isn’t obeying those special requests. More people, different people are entering our comfort zones because the world is becoming a smaller place. And in tremendous ways these people are enriching our neighborhoods and communities and making them even more beautiful than they were before. So if you’re finding a consistent separatist theme surrounding your friends, family and coworkers, maybe it’s worth analyzing where those feelings come from and are they even good feelings to be having at all. Because if those people feel this way about your choice in a mate, chances are they feel the same way about anyone not resembling their genetic makeup.

Love is difficult. But love is love. If interracial dating isn’t for you, then it isn’t. But chances are your family is already interracial, so like it or not, here you are. And rather than look at the situation as so many things you don’t have in common with this certain individual who may hail from a sunny or cold part of the globe, maybe you should try to flip it a bit. Maybe you should consider it as an opportunity to learn so many things about someone other than yourself. Be hungry for knowledge. Through that positivity you may find a level of enlightenment and learn to love in the process.


Sunday, November 1, 2015

Sorry, I Don't Date Black Guys

There is only one acceptable form of discrimination when it comes to life: You have every right to choose who you want or don’t want to be in a relationship with. No one can tell you who to spend your life with. Your life belongs to you and only you. And that is the way it is.

But there is a certain type of woman and man that exists in our society that uses stereotypes as a disqualifier for romance. We’ve all heard their words before:

“Sorry, I don’t date Black Guys.”

Or

“Sorry, I don’t date White dudes.”

Or

“Sorry, I don’t date Middle Eastern dudes.”

Or

“Sorry, I don’t date Hispanics.”

Or

“Sorry, I don’t date Asians.”

It doesn’t matter what culture you’re a part of, you know this person.
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They’re the ones you find at frat parties who have no problem with dancing to a Kanye West song but will instantly slap you with denial if you possess too much melatonin or don’t have enough or whatever. They haven’t dated anyone other than their own race but they're 100% sure of what turns them on and what turns them off. Whatever their romantic options are you’re too White or too Black and you don’t fit the mold of what they’re after.

You can’t knock a person for choosing whatever ignites their fire. Sexuality is a complex thing. What turns on one person might not turn on another. But the problem with people who think like this is they don’t have experience enough to know what they like and what they don’t. They only utilize what’s at arm’s length; a girlfriend or a twisted uncle who has reservations against a certain race based on generalizations and blatant racism, to avoid romantic involvement with a different race.

Take a friend of mine for instance…

She’s an African American sister who’s progressive, down to earth and is well-rounded when it comes to her travels on this earth.
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One day we were discussing dating a person from another race and she said the following:

“I just don’t think I could date a White guy. I don’t have anything against who they are as people, but what they did to my ancestors? I feel as though that would be a slap in the face.”

While I can “kinda” see her point, it’s completely stupid when presented in today’s society. It is absolutely wrong to condemn anyone based on the actions of another. Black people have felt and continue to feel the effects of slavery but that doesn’t mean that you need to lump everyone into one category. Most of the people living in America are immigrants just as we all are and are not 100% anything. So to judge someone based solely on appearance can be a grossly inaccurate thing to do.

A friend of mine, Meadow, has flat out told me that she refuses to date Black guys.

“I have plenty of Black friends but when it comes to dating, if I were to bring home a Black guy my parents would kill me,” she admitted.

 I couldn’t really hate on her for having that position. Some people want to do all they can to make their mothers and fathers happy.
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But there comes a point in your life when you have to seriously question what loving someone based on another person’s opinions does for your overall happiness.
So with all of these reasons for denying loving people of different colors and cultures floating around, what are the primary reasons for people using these weak defenses?

Here are 5 Reasons People Don’t Want to Date Outside Their Race:

1.       Fear of what others will think: Children go to college and choose jobs for their whole lives based on what mommy and daddy want. What makes you think they would do anything less when it comes to love? Parents are a powerful influence in their children’s lives. But it doesn’t stop there. Friends have these built up stereotypes of what people are and often impress those beliefs upon others. Peer pressure is serious. So if you choose to date someone outside of what that particular group of friends may like, you’ll be expelled and rumors will be created.

2.       Sexual stereotypes: Certain stereotypes are the MAIN reason some people WANT to sleep with someone of a different race. But it can also cut the opposite direction.
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Sexual stereotypes can create unfounded fears that prevent some from interacting with a certain race on a romantic level. Stereotypes are based on a small amount of truth. But when applied to a large group of people stereotypes get shredded by reality. No one could possibly know what’s in EVERYONE’S PANTS IN EVERY RACE. It’s just not logical.

3.       Fear to engage: When it comes to interacting with different cultures most people are just too inexperienced to know how to speak about their interest. They’re afraid they’ll say something stupid and mess things up. But that’s just it. At the base of all interaction we are all just idiots. Talking to one girl or guy is no different when it comes to race. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there. No matter what, you have to play if you want to win or lose.

4.       Confrontation: I know we’re supposed to be living in a different century with a different set of beliefs but sometimes we’re not. When a person chooses a certain person from another race, often others within that other race will give a lot of drama.

Some may be cold when you go out in public.
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Others may call you names like “sell-out” to disparage you for your choice.  And there may be others more blatant with their disrespect who will try to start physical confrontations based on your choice. It’s a sad fact but it happens.

5.       Children: Choosing to date outside of your race is one thing but a lot of people have a reasonable amount of fear surrounding the rearing of children conceived during that relationship and how society will accept them. While times are changing so quickly, racial tensions can be felt in varying degrees depending on your region.
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What is done in one location may not be acceptable in another. And if you’re ultimately aiming to have a family with the one you love you do have to take the child’s safety and their ability to learn within a healthy environment as a major factor.